Hmm funny how last night I was saying to my sister "I'd laugh if I got 89 in English and miss out on being an all-rounder."

Damn why did I have to curse myself for?

Course	Examination mark	Assessment mark	HSC mark	Performance band
English advanced	89	89	89	5
Design and technology	95	95	95	6
Information processes and technology	92	91	92	6
Physics	93	94	94	6
Mathematics	96	97	97	6
Mathematics extension 1	46	47	47	E4

Since I've estimated my ranks before and now I know my true rankings, I'm going to compare them =)

English Advanced

Total - 68.42%
Estimated rank: top 30
Actual rank: 11/66

Mathematics

Total - 91.72%
Estimated rank: top 10
Actual rank: 4/102

Mathematics extension one

Total - 72.21%
Estimated rank: top 20
Actual rank: 15/89

Physics

Total - 84%
Estimated rank: top 10
Actual rank: 5/53

Information processes and technology

Total - 88.39%
Estimated rank: 2nd
Actual rank: 2/8

Design and technology

Total - 93.75%
Estimated rank: 1st
Actual rank: 1/9

There are some people in this world who are capable of twisting words around to mould the situation in their favour. Even though you know you're the one in the right and that you're the victim. But they just monopolise the situation to put you in the bad light, to make you appear guilty of whatever they accuse you of. Don't you know? A fair and honest world is a non-existent one.

But then...if you take the time to empathise with them, it's not entirely their fault that they have resorted to such tactics. Why, you ask; how can they be so manipulative, how can they exercise such evil without guilt and principle? Sometimes the people who hurt you have been hurt so much more themselves. Gradually, their good nature is exhausted because of excessive exploitation, and to what end? If you're too nice, you're just used and abused.

Though occasionally, it's not because of their past, but because of their nature. There are stark differences between the two. One; a product of society, the other; an inherently malevolent person.

But still, it's a vicious, unending cycle. Once we have been victimised, some of us will succumb to pragmatism instead. Then we would in turn inflict this upon others.

Though not all will resort to a utilitarian regard for ethics, I don't really understand why goodness prevails and dominates evil. Well, at least in movies, dramas, novels, and what not. The popular ones of course. But then again, that is the ideal, is it not?

However if you think about it, the good people are restricted and disadvantaged to great extents. Hostages will work on good people for they cannot sacrifice others. And then all the unfair, unjustified tactics are also eliminated from their pool of weapons whilst the evildoers aren't limited at all.

How then, can the goody goodies win? From what I've seen, it's usually through pure luck and chance.

So, which side would you choose?

Nevertheless, nothing is black and white - everything is tainted with its binary opposite. And don't forget, God is watching (if he exists). As they say, as humans, we judge someone by their reputation. But only God knows someone's true character.

Sometimes, just sometimes, we set really high expectations for ourselves just to fail to meet these self-imposed benchmarks. It's like setting our eyes on the fruit dangling off the tallest branch of its tree but despite how high we are able to climb, the tree's frail branches aren't capable of supporting us and whilst we fall, our eyes never leave that trophy we want to claim as ours...

It's unattainable but we never realised until we had tried. And if we don't turn away from the impossible and instead brood over it, crave for it, then we will feel the heart-wrenching sting as we watch someone stronger, better, smarter accomplish what had been impossible for us. Someone who exists in a completely different dimension, someone who's the extension of all our good qualities taken to the extreme, like the bird that lands lightly on the topmost branch and with ease, strips away all our hopes - because it had taken away what we had worked so hard towards.

So what now? What have we learnt from this?

Are we supposed to lower our vision and set ourselves a lower goal? Perhaps we should lower our expectations while aiming for our goals?

Maybe, maybe. But our own expectations aren't up to us to determine. We can't just convince ourselves that we don't expect anything and our speculation will automatically adjust itself; aligning with what we want our anticipations to consist of. That's just impossible. Our expectations are determined by the context of the world and our knowledge of our place in it; our self worth and ego.

My ideal situation - aim high, do my best and expect nothing. So that I'd be pleasantly surprised if success comes my way, but if it's failure I'm facing, I'd be expecting it anyway.

It's all just to avoid bitter disappointment.

But then that's always been me. Always running away from things I don't want to face, always going around confrontations. 

But it's because you can never get used to it.

You can never, ever get used to failing.

Therefore no matter how many times we encounter failure, we're not going to succumb to numbness - each time we'd feel its bitterness, its disappointment. But each time, we'd pick ourselves up and we'd learn from something new.

So not much has changed. I don't regret anything I've done in my life except...(lists a thousand things or so). However dwelling on regrets is something I've ceased to do. Hence I will never live in the past again. The past is a wonderful thing and memories bestow upon us a fascinating world to live in, but the present and the future is what we control.

So no I'm not going to lower my expectations. Nor am I going to set lower goals for myself. I'm going to keep aiming high and fail if I must. Because I believe that we take two steps forward and one step backward. Not the other way around.

It would have been normal to feel apprehensive, sad, excited even, to have graduated.

But I feel nothing. Hmmm. Strange. I mean, high school does hold my fondest memories. I guess my indifference towards the end of this phase is history repeating itself; a replica of my detachment towards my primary school graduation six years ago.

Perhaps it is because I know that I will be keeping in touch with the people who truly matter. Although our graduation signifies loss and marks the end of a relatively carefree lifestyle, I guess I've had enough of high school already.

Oh well, that's life. People walk in and out of your life, some leaving deeper imprints than others.

What is the ideal anyway?

Well, let's put our ties through the test of time. Shall we?

No matter how you look at it, no matter how tightly you cling onto your high school memories, one thing remains inevitable.

It's over.

The least we can do is to leave with no regrets. Right? There's no looking back now; at least not for those who want to brace themselves for the next leap - this time into the corporate world. "Memories...They are merely books that cannot be closed, or movies that cannot be stopped...re-read and replayed over and over again." Yet we preserve them, and now we can do so via physical means - we capture the moment through photography, through video recording. We're so desperate to hold onto something that's slipping like sand through our fingers...our youth - that six years together.

For most, it's an emotional experience. For myself, it's a sort of numbness that I cannot will away. A numbness I can't even explain. It's like a dream, the surreal nature of it all.

Nothing feels real anymore.

But for others, the last week as school will be memorable. Anything with such strong emotional attachments tied to it will be recalled with clarity. And the countless photographs captured will produce an almost three dimensional projection of the past. Yet photographs have the capacity to do so much more. They reinforce the reality of it all and they substantiate our existence. Sharing photographs bless some with a reputable social status and others with an image to dwell in.

Such is the world today...estrangement has become obsolete. This may be a loss, or it may not be. Lost is the chance to start over anew. Lost is that opportunity to dissolve your old life to emerge as a completely new person. The phenomenon of the Internet has wiped out these possibilities, so all we can do is accept and optimise new opportunities. It's funny though, how easily people from your past crop up as a Facebook notification, informing you that they would like to be your "Friend."

Can't I leave it all behind?

Honestly...

---

Yeah, you know we're like fireworks? Together we rise, higher and higher. Escalating to heights we had never thought possible. But mostly, we had been together.

Higher and higher we rise. Forever? That is the ideal. But this is reality.

Thus we reach the turning point, the maximum height possible.

And now we must embark on our separate ways.

It's time now to walk our own chosen paths as we say goodbye to the friendships we forged, the laughter we shared, the heated arguments we brewed.

So each of us display our true colour as the firework explodes into the night sky. Red, white, blue, green; colours spanning across the entire visible spectrum. Each of us a different hue, each of us soaring along a different path.

Shining brightly for the world to admire.

At this time, we'd find it hard to believe that we had all once been walking along the same path. We'd look back and wonder how long ago it had been when we were all bunched together, almost like a single entity.

And we would yearn for the past as our lights blink out and each of us disappear into our own world...

Yet there will be ties that cannot be severed. There will be those of us who, though do not share the same life, will remain close.

But for others, our lights will fade away to black.

---

Darling, monsters are not born.

Monsters are made.

Little by little, people had taken, giving nothing in return. Digging out the life and vibrancy that once existed, till all was hollow.

So all that's left is an emotionless shell...

You hear but you don't listen.
        You touch but you do not feel.
                You look but you do not see.
                        You breathe but scent escapes you.
                                You feed but you do not taste.

Senseless. Senseless.

---

Are you ready? The end is in sight.

But can you see it?

So, do you follow your heart or your head? Is it logic that dictates your actions or is it emotions?

For those who follow their heart - how can you follow something that isn't capable of basal memory, instinctual choice or even rudimentary thoughts? Scientifically, our heart is just a muscle that pumps blood around the body. So how can you follow it as though it were a secondary brain? It doesn't think any more than any other pectoral muscle.

Romantic notions about following your heart can therefore be filed under fairies and Santa and other articles of fantasy that clutter our minds. That is, if you choose to follow your head.

Our brain - it's where our intellect, our logic and thoughts originate. Poetry, romantic thoughts, emotions? It all stems from brain activity. Doesn't it? Even the more corrupt motivations - murder, rape, criminal thoughts. It's all up here.

Or is it?

"I used to think that the brain was the most important organ in the body. Then I realised - look what's telling me that." - Emo Philips.

Humans are more complex than that. Of course, thoughts do dictate our actions, but humans have feelings. Sometimes being there for someone doesn't just mean being there physically - you're also there for emotional support.

So, which is it? The heart or the head?

But then instead of focusing on these as disparate components, perhaps our heart and our head are intertwined; thoughts and emotions co-exist and intermingle as one. When we're feeling angry, our minds will inevitably be overwhelmed with vengeful and spiteful thoughts. Conversely, when we're thinking of sad thoughts, we may be impelled to feel that way. And when our actions are dictated by emotions, they are tempered by logical thoughts concerning the consequences of such actions. Likewise, when logic dictates our actions, emotions sometimes bar the execution of these actions.

Although I do sound cynical, it's because I've been conditioned to feel this way.

But I want to follow my heart.

I really do, regardless of whether or not it's possible to.


Would you rather be understood or cared for?

Understanding - the ability to empathise and put oneself into the shoes of another; to know how they must be feeling, what they are thinking; knowing what they need. And where does understanding come from? Logical deduction and knowledge - experience, imagination or otherwise.

Caring - that which arises from our values and our emotions. If we value something or someone, we would naturally care about them.

So...caring for someone is from the heart; understanding someone is from the head.

Just because someone understands you doesn't mean they care.

Just because someone cares about you doesn't mean they understand. They don't know what you need, they don't know how to comfort you.

I am greedy. I want both.


I will stop here. I will not attempt to trespass into the realms of philosophy.

That place is for greater minds who are more capable of deeper thoughts and a far more sophisticated articulation of ideas.

Warning: I am going to whine non-stop in this entry. If you hate listening to people complain, don't read on.

However, if you would like to know that you're not the only person with problems, then please read on.
If you are a nosy prick, then please read on.
If you are interested in my stupid life, then please read on.
If you are genuinely concerned about me, then please read on.


I had never been so stressed in my life as I had been for the past two days.

I was panicking so badly I could not fall asleep while lying in bed for at least two hours, even though I was physically and mentally exhausted.

It felt like my heart would skip a beat twenty times per day because I was so scared. With the birth of a goal comes the fear of not achieving it - failure.

The pressure, the expectations, the goal in sight were blinding, suffocating. Sometimes it'd bubble up inside until I felt as though I were about to explode.

I don't think that I had wanted anything so fucking badly before. I can tell you now - I care more about my project than my HSC. Why? Is it passion? Pride? Expectations? Both my own, my teacher's, my family's?

The period after the trials was supposed to be relaxing. Well, for most people at least. I decided to turn down invitations to four outings. I suppose that people decided that it was pointless to invite me to any future outings because I'd be too busy to care.

I hope you guys had the time of your lives without me.

I don't care. Really.

Worse lesson for procrastination. Ever.

I'm sorry if I had neglected you. I'm sorry if I had pushed you away.

But I guess I had come too far and sacrificed too much already. I didn't ditch outings for fun. I didn't push people away because I wanted to. I didn't skip 2 days of school and double maths because I wanted to relax. I didn't stay back after school to do my project because I felt like it.

I had spent countless hours on my model. I had thought through problems endlessly and solved them.

The end was in sight yet I felt urges to give up and throw everything away. It'll be such a waste if I really did that, and I'd never forgive myself if that ever happened. Luckily it didn't. I even made deals with myself, can you believe it? "I will not let myself go to the toilet until I finish this."

And now I have officially not slept for 36 hours. The night before, on the Saturday, I only had five hours of sleep. To further my fatigue, I had sleepless, restless nights during the week before.

My dad is so queer; he let me drive in this condition, knowing that I had not slept at all, while he refuses to let me drive on my own.

Today was funny actually; I was falling asleep in all my classes. Then I'd have random spurts of adrenalin and I'd become hyperactive for a while. My fatigue will then kick in again and I'd find myself drifting off to sleep. I found myself writing diagonally down the page in physics because my eyes were drooping while my hand fervently jotted down what my teacher was dictating. In design and technology, my back was facing the teacher so I slept in peace.

Ah well. A huge thank you to the following people:

My dad - thank you for driving to Officeworks to purchase an A3 folder when I ran out of sleeves. Thank you for driving to Officeworks again when I ran out of coloured paper. And thank you for driving to Officeworks yet again because you did not buy enough coloured paper the first time around. I forgive you for your horrible singing on the karaoke machine which really exacerbated my frustration - I wanted to scream.

My mum - thank you for rapping me across the head to remind me to get a move on with my project (although I did get annoyed at you). Thank you for helping me cut up the railings. Thank you for cleaning up my mess. Thank you for cutting up the coloured paper for me.

My sister - thank you for your endless advice. Thank you for tolerating my bitchiness. I know you have been the main target at which I released frustration; I'm sorry for telling you to talk to me "in two days" "on Monday"....etc. Thank you for helping me fill in surveys.

My family in general - thank you for standing up to eat dinner for four days. I'm sorry for this inconvenience. Thank you for tolerating the mess I had made around the house.

Jasmine - thank you for your tiny teddy's. Thank you for your encouragement, thank you for listening to me whine and mope about my project.

Melinda - thank you for lending me your guillotine. Thank you for writing me a message - I thought that it was really cute. I'm just a sucker for sentimentality though.

Karen - thank you for caring when you saw me moping at school.

Kelvin - thank you for caring. Thank you for the encouraging text messages. Thank you for not forgetting that I exist.

Ms. Roberts - thank you for saying "I really hope that your project is selected. You worked so hard on it!"

I don't know why, but this phrase replayed in my thoughts over and over again. It served as a sort of motif, symbolic of my goals and how close I was to achieving them.

Thank you for your constant encouragement and advice. Thank you for genuinely caring about your students. Thank you for recommending that piece of land for my project.

Lily - thank you for your text message.

Pauline -thank you for telling me to hurry up and go home to do my project.


Anyway, since all my trial results have been returned, I was able to collate all my school assessment marks (I hate you English):

English Advanced
2007 Term 4 AOS essay  - 10% - 9.5/15
2008 Mid-course exam (AOS reading) - 5% - 12/15
2008 Mid-course exam (AOS writing) - 5% - 12/15
2008 Mid-course exam (Module B Wild swans essay) - 10% - 14/20
2008 Mid-course exam (Module A Transformations speech) - 15% - 11/20
2008 Trial (AOS reading) - 5% - 8/15
2008 Trial (AOS writing) - 5% - 8/15
2008 Trial (AOS essay) - 10% - 12/15
2008 Trial (Module A Transformations essay) - 5% - 14/20
2008 Trial (Module B Wild swans speech) - 10% - 13/20
2008 Trial (Module C Powerplay feature article) - 20% - 15.5/20

Total - 68.42%
Estimated rank: top 30

Mathematics
2007 Term 4 test - 15% - 39/48
2008 Mid-course exam - 25% - 112/120
2008 Common test - 20% - 48/50
2008 Trial - 40% - 111/120

Total - 91.72%
Estimated rank: top 10

Mathematics extension one
2007 Term 4 test - 15% - 33/46
2008 Mid-course exam - 25% - 57/84
2008 Common test - 20% - 39/49
2008 Trial - 40% - 60/84

Total - 72.21%
Estimated rank: top 20

Physics
2007 Motors and Generators prac - 5% - 16.5/20
2008 From Ideas to Implementation prac - 5% - 13/14
2008 Space prac - 5% - 14/16
2008 Astrophysics Research task - 25% - 29.5/33
2008 Mid-course exam - 20% - 54.5/70
2008 Trial prac - 10% - 28.5/33
2008 Trial - 30% - 81/100

Total - 84%
Estimated rank: top 10

Information processes and technology
2007 Project work assignment - 20% - 33/35
2008 Mid-course exam - 15% - 45/50
2008 Multimedia systems task - 20% - 21.5/25
2008 Transaction Processing systems task - 20% - 33/37
2008 Trial - 25% - 84/100

Total - 88.39%
Estimated rank: 2nd

Design and technology
2007 Term 4 speech - 20% - 27/30
2008 Innovation case study - 20% - 40/40
2008 Mid-course exam - 20% - 35.5/40
2008 Management plan assignment - 20% - 19/20
2008 Trial - 20% - 38/40

Total - 93.75%
Estimated rank: 1st

You know, I actually gave up doing quite a few things I enjoyed doing for the sake of school. But when I think back on it now, I don't think that quitting these activities motivated me to study at all. I just found other ways to procrastinate.

I quit games.
I quit drawing.
I quit playing the piano.
I stopped reading.
I stopped watching anime.
I stopped watching dramas.
I stopped reading manga.
I stopped going out.

And then I started going onto facebook. I started surfing the net randomly. I started blogging. I started staying on msn for longer periods of time. It's just as time-consuming, if not more. It's even less productive and even less enjoyable.

So now I ask myself, why the hell did I stop? Yet this made me realise something else.

I have no real passion for anything. Whether it be games, writing, drawing, music or whatever. I could enjoy something for a while and even if it's taken away from me, I could easily jump onto another topic of interest. It makes me envy those who are dedicated and passionate for something they truly enjoy.


Our world seems to shun those who are on either end of an extremity.

• If you're too smart, you're intimidating. If you're too stupid, you're labeled a "retard" and people look down on you.
• If you're too beautiful, you're the epicentre of envy. If you're too ugly, you're an outcast.
• If you try too hard, we call you a "try-hard." If you are too laid back, then you're a "bludger".
• If you're too nice, you're taken advantage of. If you're too cold, people distance themselves from you.
• If you're too rich, you're a gold digger magnet. If you're too poor, you're several levels below everyone else in terms of social status and living standards.

I guess the only way to feel comfortable is to be in between extremities with people your social and intellectual equivalent. The status quo makes sense to me. Things should just be left as they are. There will be no real Cinderella story. Rags to riches simply does not work because it's like planting a weed in a flower bed. It just doesn't belong. Perhaps it would work in the eyes of a child who hasn't yet learnt to classify and discriminate between flowers and weeds, but it definitely wouldn't appear to belong in the trained, scrutinising eyes of an adult. And sometimes people are happier where they belong. I know for one that I am happier now than I was in primary.

Life sure is fun hey.

Perhaps it was my failure today that prompted me to type this up.

But it's funny how the HSC can drive people up walls. It's funny how it's a such a large jump from year 10 to year 11. It's funny how everyone changes their attitude towards their studies.

I don't think it's a bad experience though. We learn things that effectively open our eyes to the real world. And well, I suppose it prepares us for the leap from a rigid, structured life to a fluid and fluctuating one. Such is life; a series of stages where one leaps from one institution to be a part of another.

Things I've learnt about the HSC thus far:

1. They want you to have an opinion. Look at the way they phrase questions with "assess" "justify" "evaluate". And then it's even more obvious with English papers. "how has ___ contributed to your understanding" and "do you agree?". Honestly, they've been teaching us from kindergarten to year 10 that we have no opinion! We could just rote learn and regurgitate information and earn full marks. You don't need to understand, you just need to recognise, remember, and regurgitate. Oh how our approach to exam questions have changed. At first, when we're thrown into this predicament, we may think "oh my god no, I don't want to have an opinion! Why don't you just tell me what to think? It'll make things so much easier for me." Then we realise that "hey having our own opinion isn't so bad!" But really, are we allowed to?
2. First we think that "wow as long as we justify and provide evidence for our opinion, then we're allowed to have one!" Wrong. No you're not allowed to have your own opinion unless it satisfies a few desired conditions. If you write something outlandish or even slightly outrageous, the examiner will think "WTF IS SHE SMOKING" and give you a nice round zero. Therefore our answers must be thrown into alignment with society's expectations. No one wants to know that you're an unethical and selfish person when you're evaluating particular texts in English. Therefore if you want to optimise your opportunities to obtain higher marks, then pretend you have been enlightened and cleansed of all naughty thoughts (even though you're dying to write about how life sucks, just pretend it doesn't).
3. It's amusing when I analyse our English syllabus. Our area of study: Journeys. The main objective of this topic is to impel us to embark upon a journey to learn more about the world, ourselves, and our place in it, so as to speak. Then there's module A: transformations. The point of studying this area is so that we could learn to appreciate history. They want us to understand that human nature does not change and that we could still value and learn from things in the past. Rather much like a history lesson. Then there's module B: critical study of texts. The one most of us hate. It's where we question a text's integrity and we learn that we shouldn't wholeheartedly accept what is thrown at us and think it as the truth. A pretty useful approach to many things if you ask me. Even if it's not the most positive one at least we don't get manipulated into agreeing with someone without knowing the whole truth. And the last one, module C: powerplay. I love this module. Doesn't it make you question politics and the structure of our government? That's why the government wanted to change the syllabus - it's dangerous for us to know how we're being manipulated.
4. It's intriguing when you understand the underlying statements that our English syllabus is making. But then I wonder how many people are actually receptive to this "learning experience". I wonder how many people benefit from it and how many people think it's pure bullshit.
5. Sometimes we realise how selfish people are. We discover the ones who genuinely care and we find out where our true friendships lie. And well, since we're competing against each other, I guess we become protective over our own resources and knowledge. So the HSC epitomises the uglier side of human nature.
6. The HSC is about achieving our goals. We all have different standards, yet we compare ourselves to others. A good result to one person may be abysmal to another. Yet all we do is compare compare compare. It's how we lower one's ego and feed the other.
7. It's interesting to note that although we know that the HSC is not the end all and be all, it certainly feels like it. We say it's a shortcut yet it drags on. Maybe our perception changes, or maybe things are just so overwhelming when they're occurring. Sometimes I think that recollecting events in retrospect just undermines certain situations. A bit too much. We may look back and think that this is nothing, that our failures and successes are nothing, but to me now they are real. These feelings are real. This anticipation, this dread, this excitement, everything is real. So I don't know why I'd look back and scoff. But I will. I know I will. I will look back on this entry and laugh at my supposed stupidity.
8. Strangely enough, even those who never cast a second glance at schoolwork now bury their faces in their books. Even those who never gave a second thought to exam results stress over them. And well, for those who used to care; their stress is exacerbated to even higher levels. It's just scary, the knowledge that everything counts. That failures mean that the probability of falling short of our goals increases. And although some of us may not care about our own results, we might start to worry about others. After having fallen short of expectations, it's even harder to pick ourselves back up because at this time, we tend to fall hard. It's not the occasional scrape of the knee or elbow, but it's almost like a fall into a large pit. Getting back up from it defines us. It's scaling the unclimbable walls of the pit. But then if we can't handle it, we fall deeper and deeper down this pit; in effect we're digging our own grave as our view of the sky narrows into a pinpoint. And well, I guess it just makes us that much stronger when we rise up.
9. And then above all else is our school pride. Throughout this year, what with formal discussions, yearbook discussions and our jerseys...I've found that I do hold a certain amount of pride. I really do love my grade, my school, my teachers. And the fact that I'm leaving so soon just escalates this feeling of well...patriotism? I don't know what you call it. School pride? Heh, I really want to raise our school's ranking. It's not for the school, not for the executives, but for us. The grade. Sefton 08.
10. Choices. Too many choices. We're bombarded with countless pathways, each forking off in a multitude of branches, double-folding with each junction, criss crossing and zigzagging in dizzying dimensions. These choices will potentially segregate us whether we like it or not. But then it depends on our willpower and our values. Personally I would never choose the same path as a friend just because I don't want to be alone. I know there would be many of us who would choose a road just because it'll lead to status and fame. Not only do we consider our personal interests, but we also want a social standing to revel in. It just complicates things.

And I've realised that our UAI is not a measure of how intelligent you are.

It's a measure of how well you play this game. It depends on your goal, your motivations, your conviction. It depends on how much resources you have access to, your susceptibility to distractions, your subjects. It depends on your intelligence, your ability to adapt to exam situations. It depends on how well you balance stress and distress.

Maybe I'll type up a formula for it one day :3

Since I can't be bothered to put things into words I suppose I'll sum it up in pictures.

If only it weren't my papers that were flying away, but me. This year has been so binding, so tiring even for me. Me, the person who doesn't even usually care about school assessments, studying and whatnot. It's coming to an end though, yet I don't know whether I'm longing for it or dreading it. Mixed feelings I suppose. Sometimes, it feels like I can't be bothered caring, but I don't think I'm too tired to care yet. No, I've still got 70% of my HSC mark undetermined.

I kept dropping things today. First I dropped all my papers. Then I kept dropping my cardboard on the bus, at the bus stop, at the train station. What the hell, I don't remember myself being so prone to carelessness. Oh well, I guess I'm not coordinated enough to juggle everything around dexterously.

A sudden blast of wind whipped open the dark binder, turning over its loose pages in a blur. Catching wind of the fast current, the papers floated along the road the wind paved out for them with no regard to its given responsibilities~

I wish I could do that too, disregard the responsibilities that tie me down.

There's this inexplicable fear triggered when darkness encompasses us. It irrevocably coerces our consciousness to string up shreds of memories that we had buried deep within our human psyche. We remember the monsters, the ghosts, the criminals that emerge in the dark, and these thoughts accumulate until we are paralysed with fear.

What is it? Our strong emotional response to the dark...it's a most natural fear, this inherent fear of the unknown. Reason tells us that nothing should be any different during the night; what was there during the day should naturally exist when it is dark. Scientifically, the only distinction between day and night is the presence of light. But instinct speaks differently. You see, there are distinct variations between light and darkness, and one of them is our psychological interpretations of these binaries.

Our perception of the day is one where life is secure and open. It's when our part of the world is illuminated and exposed for all to profusely examine, scrutinise and admire. Things are seemingly laid out so clearly for us that there's almost no need to question and ponder. Sometimes the clarity of daylight leaves no room for us to blur blemishes, no place to hide mistakes. It can leave us feeling exposed, vulnerable, naked. So we begin the lurk in the shadows and abstain from light, emerging only when it is dark. Cloaked in darkness, those of us who hide can do so comfortably. But darkness spells out uncertainty and insecurity. It's mystique holds open the door for our imagination to creep in and eventually conquer the conscious mind.

And we associate evil with darkness because those of us who hide usually have intents that are deemed immoral in society. But perhaps some have become so attuned to concealment that light itself is blinding. Likewise, those who are too accustomed to the comfort of being immersed in light would shrink away when draped in darkness. Such is the world, where opposing forces are created and rearranged so one can observe the stark contrasts between the two. Thus our perception of the world and the meaning of such occurrences is enhanced through comparisons.

But then absolute darkness doesn't exist, even on the darkest of nights. Theoretically it can only be achieved at an infinite distance from all celestial objects, and infinity doesn't exist. There are extremities of course, but nothing is pure. Everything is stained with components of its binary opposite.

A gentle breeze brushes lightly against the crown of trees,
and the birds, they sing so beautifully. The moment; freeze.
And all that was is no more. Watch it dissolve and spin,
shattered to shards, till uncertainty blankets outside and within.

Turn back, turn back! Only to find a projection of reality past;
ghosts of triumphs, fading bonds and targets unsurpassed.
Yet remains the desire to become lost in this magical world,
reluctance to immerse in shadow, for fear of the future unfurled.   

Stop lingering, tilt the silver scale and unbalance the ends;
Past and present, reality and fantasy, which descends?

Yes I know, my poetry is epic failure. I should stop dwelling in the past.

And as I look at these strands in my hand, I ask myself "Which ones? Which ones should I hold close to my heart? Which bonds should I sever?"

But I grasp onto all of them, unwilling to let go, telling myself it's not going to be the end.

I love you more than you love me.

We all want equality in terms of emotions in relationships. When we feel that the scale is tilted towards their end, we sometimes feel that urge to withdraw; we're reluctant to give more than we take because in us exists that defensive mechanism that prevent us from becoming vulnerable. We fear that we would be the ones who would be hurt the most when the relationship hits a road block, so we deprive them of the attention that we want to give them. But love is not a partnership. It's giving and giving more... wanting to give more. After giving everything you have, that's what love is.

So take that extra step. Be the one who shows initiative.

Because in the end, if you don't do what your heart tells you to, you're denying yourself.

If you really cared then you would show it.

Sometimes we find that we expect too much from someone. And they don't know what our assumptions are because they are unspoken expectations. Time and again they fail to fulfil our expectations so our disappointment consolidates into resentment until we find that we are unsatisfied and compelled to conclude so many untrue assumptions about them.

I'm going to make you feel what you made me feel.

Oh so now it's spite. That inherent lust for vengeance that had existed from the onset of humankind to the present day. They hurt me, they abandoned me when I needed them the most so now I'm going to strike their nerve to make them experience the same thing. I'll let them know how much it hurts so they would learn to stop doing it to me.

Wow it's so childish. And what of the outcome? They lash back and become spiteful themselves. So each person's wrath strikes a chasm between themselves and their partner...

In the end, nothing is achieved, no-one comes to an understanding and the gap between them is widened.

You think I can't do it? You think I need you? You're wrong.

And so you prove to them that you can ignore them. You can live without them. Yet what were the motivations, what were your true intentions when you decided to ignore them? If they really cared about you, they'd be the one who breaks the silence. They will be one who surrenders, who forfeits their pride to come running after you. They will be the one who apologises, who shows genuine concern.

Do you know how selfish it sounds? That is not equality. You were the one who wanted to be in control when you decided to give them the silent treatment.

And yes, once again it's childish. So what of it? If they don't come grovelling after you, do you take that to be proof that they don't really love you?

Always unwilling to be the one who stoops, refusing to acknowledge your heart because you hold too much pride, too much arrogance, you're too selfish... You refuse to appear submissive because you want them to take the initiative. Why? Is it so unbecoming of you? Are you showing weakness, are you showing them that you love them more than they love you? Pathetic, pathetic, keep hiding then...

So once again a wall of negativity is constructed between the two, and the truth is barred to one side, held back by those feelings of animosity, by their own selfishness...

You lied to me.

No, I didn't lie. I just left gaps and omitted details... When did I learn to adorn a mask, to show a facade? I suppose I picked up the habit when I found that people resented me when I was being honest. I didn't want to be hated, I didn't want to hurt others, so I learnt to tell them what they wanted to hear. I began to butter up my comments, sugarcoat my stories so that I don't sound vulgar. So I wouldn't be cruel.

But perhaps it's crueller to lie to the person you love than to be brutally honest.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
- Gloria Steinem

Yet it's so hard to be completely honest when you've been lying all your life. You're scared that if you told them the whole truth, they might leave...so small bits and shards are withheld until an invisible wedge is driven between yourself and them. It's scary to flaunt your flaws in front of others, it feels so raw to expose the whole truth.

But you don't want to be in for nasty surprises right? Better for both to be entirely honest.


So stop it with your stupid little games. Keep playing them and you're asking to be pushed away.

And myself? I plead guilty to all of them.

What is love? It's such a complex concept, such an overwhelming phenomenon, that perhaps I'm reluctant to attach a definite meaning to it for fear of it losing meaning. Or maybe it's because there is no definite meaning to love because simple words cannot grasp the vast webs of incoherency that clings to it. What are words anyway? It's peculiar how words can sting, how they can move one into tears, how they can sweep you into an emotional roller-coaster... Yet I don't think that words can label what love is. Because it's impossible to recollect the moment, the intensity, those euphoric feelings without the experience itself. Love can only be defined when you're a part of that moment, when you're feeling those sensations.

But love epitomises irrationality. For the reason to whatever irrational decision I make is love. Love for oneself; narcissism, love for power, love for attention, interpersonal love...

What does it mean to be in love? For me, I find that it means complete, utter irrationality. You don't know why you love that person. That voice of reason screams at you, but any logic is overridden...yet by what? Instinct? What is it that tells you to love someone who does not have the qualities that you previously thought you desired? You contemplate...he's not good-looking, he's not sweet, he's a complete jerk...yet you can't reason this illogical attachment away. The emotions exist, intangible, but you know it's there because you can feel it.

It's the unconscious mind that speaks to you, not the tip of the iceberg that encompasses reason. What was previously a desire becomes a perceived need, and that in turn solidifies into an obsessive compulsion until you find yourself in too deep to climb back out.

Yet it's such a sensuous emotion. It bestows upon us the capacity to acknowledge all faults in a person. We learn to understand, accept and even appreciate what we initially observed to be flaws.

Love is not about finding the perfect person. It's about finding an imperfect person and learning to love them perfectly.

God, the being who holds utmost, absolute power. The ability to create and destroy life, the fate of the world is said to be balanced on His almighty hands.

Are You lonely up there? God is respected, trusted, yet feared. He alone holds the decision over life and death. Is it possible to befriend the One responsible for Noah's Ark? What assurance do you have to believe that He doesn't decide to start the world anew again?

Perhaps the idea of God is too abstract and intangible to grasp. Let's look at the emperor, the one sitting on the pinnacle of the Imperial hierarchy for a more down-to-Earth example, so as to speak.

No one dares to confide in him for fear of the consequences. For fear of what he could do to them lest he decides he doesn't like what they have to say. He has to constantly watch his back for possible usurpers. He has no one to trust but himself.

I think I'd much rather simply be part of the common-folk. It's why I prefer reading books about those who aren't in obvious positions of power, but instead are the ones behind it all, pulling the strings.

It's funny, the examples I named when referring to the powerful are both men. But I'm still living in a highly patriarchal society, and I can't deny reality. Gender equality can never be achieved because of our biological differences. Indeed, women are given equal opportunities when it comes to education, but in the workforce, how many women exactly are in positions of power?

Not many.

"...is like masturbation. In the end you're screwing yourself".

Oh dear. Why oh why do I procrastinate so much. It's a disease, it's a blemish that won't rub off. It irritates and clings on like a leech. It's an annoying, goddamn deterrent barring the way to my goals. It coaxes me away from the tasks on my daily itinerary and laughs at me as the list grows longer.

I hate it but it's not a habit I can throw out of the window. I have to lead it step by step down the stairs, pausing and pleading for it to come down.

I think this comic sums it up pretty well. And yes I'm procrastinating by blogging about procrastinating. And yes I also procrastinated by looking for comics on procrastination and searching up theories of procrastination.

Smart, yeah I know, but I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed I just want to give up and stop caring. Just run away from it all and taste that sense of freedom again. But then again I'd hate myself forever if I really did do that.

Theories from procrastination central - summarised and put into plain English:

Fear of failure
In other words, perfectionists who have irrational beliefs that they must achieve full marks are afraid that they will not accomplish this unlikely outcome, hence they divert away from the task at hand.

Not a widely supported theory because its explanation is not entirely logical. If this were true, then we would not simply delay things. Rather, we would avoid doing them altogether.

Rebelliousness
The renowned trait of teenagers. Unwilling to follow instructions from others, people choose to start work according to their own schedule.

Again, it's not a widely supported idea because by doing work in the last minute, it's not really rebelling. In the end, they fall under the weight of responsibilities and expectations.

Self-handicapping
Basically giving yourself an excuse for not achieving what others expect of you. For example, you purposely give yourself one hour to complete an essay others took one week to write up. So if you receive a poor grade for it, you protect yourself from the humiliation as you are able to provide an excuse despite it being a voluntary disadvantage you gave yourself.

Temporal motivation theory
Although it's the more complex theory, I find that it proves to be the most accurate one. It even has a formula!

1. The Internet - alright I spend a phenomenal amount of time just surfing the net. Facebook, bebo, bored of studies, sleepywood forums, gaiaonline, deviantART, just to name a few. It's so pointless, all this mindless browsing I do. I admit I do get entertained though. Sometimes I stumble across some interesting websites. Sometimes I'd just do a pile of quizzes for fun, and I'd either laugh at the inaccuracy of the results or at its eerie explanation of my actual traits.
   
2. Msn messenger - the amount of small talk I do on here would amount to at least an hour a day. Usually more though. Okay, it's a form of socialising, but honestly, it's hard to reinforce relationships over the Internet. That's why I usually leave my socialising to real life. And it should stay that way. I should aim to use msn less frequently, because I honestly don't need it.
   
3. Blogging - what I'm doing right now. No I haven't been blogging that often, but when I do type up entries, I'd spend about half an hour on them. Though I don't think I'd stop blogging because I need a place to vent.
   
4. The kitchen - and yes, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen. See, right after I come home, I simply walk in there, open the fridge, stare without really seeing at its contents, then close the fridge door without grabbing anything. I'd walk around, grab a cookie or two and eat it whilst looking around for more snacks to eat. I do this every half an hour or so. I'm surprised I'm not overweight.
5. My face - oh how vain that must sound. My face is a distraction? Well it actually is. It wouldn't be a distraction if I never got pimples or blackheads. I have a tendency to want to pop my pimples and  squeeze out annoying blackheads.
   
6. Flicking pens - and yet I still want to learn one more pen trick before I graduate from high school. Sometimes I'd just sit there and stare at my work whilst flicking my pen.
   
7. Drinking tea - who would have thought that this would be a distraction? Sometimes the tea would become cold or tasteless so I'd boil water for another cup. And as the kettle boils, I simply sit there and wait for it to boil. As well, I wash the teapot when I change the tea leaves, so that also takes up time. Not to mention the extra toilet breaks. Seriously, when I drink four cups of tea in an hour, I'd have to go on three toilet trips.
   
8. Playing the piano - this is extremely addictive when I become addicted to a song. I just want to practice and rehearse it so that I can play it smoothly and flawlessly. I can spend hours on the piano.
   
9. Cleaning my room - this stems from my belief that I cannot work productively in a messy environment. I tell myself that I must organise everything and anything in order to work efficiently! So I put off cleaning up time and again so I don't even start work.
   
10. Staring off into space - I don't know why the hell I do this. I guess I'd rather do anything but work...so I just stare blankly at the wall. Or the cupboard. Or perhaps the wardrobe? I don't know, it's senseless, futile, useless, so why do I do it? Maybe I'm really just resting my mind?
    

My UAI estimate. I suppose it wouldn't be a bad UAI. I mean I reached my goal of 95+ didn't I? But then, why am I still unsatisfied? It's better than what I had expected, yet now I want something more. I've realised that I didn't even work for it. I realise now that I can actually achieve something higher. I realise that although it may not be possible to reach my potential, it's not too late to try.

So new UAI goal: 98+

Thanks for reading my mind dump. Really.